Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs
by My Eyes Are Black
Summary: Paine's recurring dream of Rikku, erotic in nature, has her questioning not only her sexuality, but her true feelings for the little thief. RiPa. R&R?
1. Nothing Happens Unless First A Dream

_Rated M for a reason. Oh, and, yeah, I don't own FFX-2 and profit not from this. There. Be happy._

**Title**: Tossed Salad and Scrambled Eggs (it's a _Frasier_ allusion, don't think too hard on it)**  
>Summary<strong>: Paine's recurring dream of Rikku, erotic in nature, has her questioning not only her sexuality, but her true feelings for the little thief.**  
>Author<strong>: My Eyes Are Black**  
>Rating<strong>: M**  
>Pairing<strong>: RiPa

Chapter One: Nothing Happens Unless First A Dream

The scent of summer, full with flowers, fresh grass and warmth. It was faint, now, but still so strong. I shivered, my skin crawling as a pleasurable tingle ran down my spine. Memories that I knew were not there teased and enticed me like gremlins, giggling devilishly as they haunted the very back of conscious thought. They still radiated joy. Pleasure. Comfort. They drew further away, and with it went the heavy weight of sleep. My eyes slowly cracked open, met by dim light. It was all a blur. I groaned and turned over, throwing my arms out in front of me. My eyes snapped open, senses going into overdrive. This wasn't my bed! I knew my own bed – how it felt; the length, the width, everything about it! Now that I was sitting up and looking around, I found I wasn't even on the Celsius anymore.

I started to assess the situation to keep from panicking. I had to keep control. I was good at that. I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to remember how I'd gotten here. Had I gotten drunk and gone home with some stranger? I didn't remember being at a pub, or even leaving the airship, so how did I get here? My head swam, and a dull ache throbbed at the back of my skull as confusion built up into a withering pressure.

I started looking around. The room was small and dimly lit. Two doors, a small table and some chairs, an old dresser and the bed I was in. That was it. It all rippled with a strange, prickling feeling of familiarity, like I had been here before. I wrote it off as my imagination. None of this looked familiar. I leaned back on my elbows, and my eyes wandered down. I realized, suddenly, that I wasn't wearing a shirt, or anything, for that matter. I was completely naked. A deep fire burned to life in my belly, outdoing the warmth in my cheeks. Now I wasn't so much confused as I was just flat out _pissed_.

I was all for one-night stands and all – hell, I _preferred_ them, actually – but only when I made a conscious decision to go through with it, and whom with. And even then I always went back to the Celsius. No way in hell I'd go to some random inn or hotel in Luca with a relative stranger! I wasn't stupid, nor _that_ trusting. I looked around the bed for discarded clothes, not bothering to cover my chest, and found none. No signs of a sphere grid, either. So . . either I had used a grid, and it had gotten kicked under the bed, or something, or my clothes – or grid – had been stolen by whomever I'd come here with. I wasn't pissed anymore.

I was furious.

I tried to think of some way to get back to the Celsius. The only ways I could think of were infinitely embarrassing, and only as a last resort would I go through with _any_ of them. I covered my face with my hands, aggravated with the whole fucking mess I was in. I was pissed with myself for letting this happen, and I was now intent on hunting down and murdering whomever the hell had stolen my stuff and left me here. Had I been drugged or something? If that was the case, then they'd die a particularly _slow_ death.

A sound at one of the doors made me start. I looked over to my right, where it sounded like a key turning in a lock. A quick wave of anxiety overtook me, followed by the pounding heat of a slow-burning fire. My eyes narrowed on the door, words readying on my tongue like swords thirsty to draw warm blood. The knob turned, and the door cracked open. For a second it stayed like that, just barely ajar. There was a sound from outside, and then someone came in, using their body to open the door. My mouth opened, ready to lash out verbally at this intruder.

I choked on what I was about to say.

Anything I had been about to say, any anger I had felt, it was all forgotten in an instant, replaced by a churning, deafening confusion. My mouth hung open, my eyes stared, big and wide and empty at the person who stepped into the room. It was _Rikku_! She was wearing some kind of silky robe thing, her hair all loose and hanging around her face, some spilling down over her shoulder, the rest down her back. She was carrying a plate of cookies and a glass of milk (okay, _that_ didn't surprise me, honestly), which explained why she just didn't open the door normally. She kicked the door shut and gave me a big, happy, trademark-Rikku smile.

"Hey, there!" She chirped. "I was wonderin when you'd wake up." She slid onto the bed, setting the plate in between the two of us, and the glass on a bedside stand. If I was confused before, what she did next only made things worse. She leaned in close, her hand going to the nape of my neck as she kissed me. As stunned as I was, I melted into it as her tongue slipped into my mouth. She kept it slow and gentle, her tongue moving in deliberate circles. A part of me wondered why this wasn't disgusting me, and why it felt so good. She broke away with a little moan, green eyes twinkling as her fingers played with my hair, twisting and curling absentmindedly. She smelled like summer, and I realized it was the same as the scent from when I was waking up. It was intoxicating, and I shivered again at the playful gleam in her eyes. I licked my lips nervously, trying to come up with something, _anything_, to say.

She turned and leaned back against the wall, sitting the plate of cookies on her lap. She scrutinized me as she picked one up, cocking an eyebrow curiously. "Something the matter?" She asked, taking a big bite from the cookie. "You got a funny look on your face," she said.

I shook myself and narrowed my eyes at her, "What do you mean?" Of course, what I _really_ wanted to ask was: "Why are we here, and why am I naked?"

She giggled, wiping her mouth with her arm after swallowing, "You look kinda lost, Painey. Maybe you had a little _too_ much to drink last night."

I groaned and covered my eyes with a hand. Did I really sleep with Rikku? How could I have let myself do that, even _drunk_? How was I ever going to live this down? What if she read too much into it? I wasn't really interested in Rikku, hell, I wasn't even attracted to _women_! Of course, if that was the case then why was I so enticed by her? I heard the sound of the plate being set on the wooden nightstand, and felt Rikku slide close to me, her hand slipping under the covers and resting on my bare thigh. I tensed, but didn't resist when she pulled my hand away. Her fingers traced down to cup my chin, and she turned my head to face her. My eyes darted off to the left, I didn't want her getting any ideas.

"Paine," she half whined, "Please, look at me?" I shut my eyes, breathing out frustratedly through my nose. When they opened, they were facing her, looking straight into emerald whirlpools that dragged you in; tiny maelstroms, hundredfold more powerful than the real thing. Her hand, the one on my leg, slid up slowly, slipping gently down to my inner thigh. I sucked in a breath, heart beating vigorously. I could feel her breath fanning out over my lips, and I felt my heart start to ache. I felt like I had been slapped in the face. I wanted her. I _really_ wanted her. Her lithe, tan athletic body, her pink lips, her golden hair, her grass-green eyes, and her fiery smiles. My heart drumming out a war beat, I dove in, capturing her lips. She smiled as she kissed me back, her hand moving from my chin to my chest, toying with my breasts as her other hand ventured deeper, her fingers brushing my vagina. I moaned, ready to push her down and tear off her robe.

XXX

I woke with a start, chest heaving, body sticky with sweat. For a little bit I just laid there, eyes staring numbly into the darkness, breathing heavily and trying to make sense of everything. My head felt hazy, like everything was in a fog. Realty seemed blurry and uncertain, even as my mind started to make sense of what has transpired. The clouding of unreality lifted, and as I started looking around I felt like kicking myself. It was a dream. A very, _very_ vivid dream. It was still fresh on my mind, and it replayed in that jerky, distorted way that dreams do when recalled. I could never get over how real dreams could feel at times. It was eerie. My heart was still pounding, but slowly the pace was calming, the adrenaline having run its course.

I kicked the covers off, desperate to cool down, and even tugged on my shirt, fanning away at the layer of perspiration covering my stomach and chest. It was all just a dream. Just a stupid, stupid wet dream. Literally. It took me a little bit, but I finally noticed that my pants felt a little moist just over my groin. I looked to my left, where Yuna slept, and Rikku beyond her. I found it funny how my subconscious had picked _her_ for an intimate dream. Yuna, maybe, but _Rikku_? I shook my head, chuckling to myself over the absurdity of the idea.

I wasn't about to say "it was just a dream," because I knew how dreams sometimes worked. But, I also knew that they could be complex riddles, and not wholly about what you see. Sometimes you needed to piece together little details from all around the dreamscape. But, I was tired, and not really in the mood to solve the puzzle of my subconscious. That could wait until I'd gotten some rest, I asserted, and pulled the covers back up, twisting and turning until I was comfortable again. I was already feeling lightheaded. All senses faded as if a thick, fuzzy black blanket was being pulled over me; obscuring me from the world. I sank deep into the warmth of sleep, and the last thought that I remembered was the lust and want that had swept through me in the dream as I kissed her.

XXX

A sharp and piercing feeling of intrusion unsettled me. I was tugged violently from sleep, yet it felt a little like I was being dredged slowly out of a deep abyss as my senses all came to life. I was suddenly aware of the feeling of sheets, blankets, and the pillow my face was pressed into in a manner which I was sure was most undignified – not like I cared, or anything, but people can look stupid when sleeping. The hum of the airship came next, followed by the wafting scent of something cooking. However, none of this had done anything to awaken me. No, no, that was something else. I had the distinct and aggravating impression that I was being watched.

My eyes cracked open, and were met with bright light. I rolled over, groaning and stretching while life flooded my body. I settled, sinking back into the mattress. The urge to just keep my eyes shut, lie still, and go back to sleep was surprisingly powerful. I felt drained, which was very unlike myself. An indecisive sigh escaped my lips, my brain feuding viciously over what do to and why I should do it.

"S'not like you to just lay around like this." Said a voice that was both sarcastic and concerned all at the same time. I found it funny how she sounded almost like me, for a moment there. Maybe I _was_ kind of rubbing off on her. But, she had a point. I also knew what she was going to say next, before she said it. I was too tired to cut her off though, so I left her the pleasure of doing it herself. "Whenever I try to sleep in you always make me get up, so I don't really see how it's fair that you can just laze in bed." I propped myself up, eyes open, and looked at her. She was already dressed and everything, leaning nonchalantly on the railing at the edge of the balcony. I was suddenly reminded of my dream from the night before. I was groggy, and it took me a moment to realize me eyes had widened. "What is it?" She asked, suddenly nervous. She looked back over her shoulder, "Paine, what's the matter? You look like you've just seen a Revenant!"

"Oh, please!" I sighed, rubbing my eyes with a hand. "Revenants don't frighten me."

"All that bravado's just gonna fall off someday like a prostitute's clothes, Painey," Rikku admonished, wagging a finger at me.

Yuna had chosen this moment to walk out of the shower.

The ex-summoner scowled at her cousin's choice of simile, "Rikku! Watch your language!"

"Oh, come on!" The thief whined. "Paine's said 'ass' before!" She ran off after Yuna, defending her honor and her tongue. I caught my mind wandering back to the feeling of Rikku's kiss. It was so vivid, not like the smokey feel of dreams I usually have; that feeling of unrealism. It had felt all too solid, and I shivered; goosebumps rippling down my arms. My eyes lingered briefly on her as she hopped down the stairs, two at a time, until she vanished from sight. I took that as my cue to get up and shower.

The hot water helped to clear my head a little. It definitely woke me up, and the dream faded away into the steam, becoming all but mist itself. I had more important things to concern myself with, like what I was going to do that day. So far it didn't seem like anything special would be going on, unless some random sphere waves came in. That would be a good chance for some exercise. The Celsius was starting to feel cramped again- like a flying cage. I liked Yuna and Rikku, and all, but being cooped up in the sky in Brother's fiery-red "babe-repellent" (the only girls he could "pick up" were his cousin, his sister, and me; and none of us really wanted anything to do with him!) could create tension if we didn't get a chance to stretch our legs here and there.

I believe Rikku would call it "getting addlepated."

Anyway, it felt like the kind of day that would just slowly drag on. Or, maybe that was just the lingering sleep. I wasn't too sure, they felt so similar. Maybe it was an omen. In any case, I headed downstairs, warrior dressphere on, and sat down at the bar between my two teammates; Yuna to my left, Rikku to my right. I didn't really look at either of them, or at Barkeep as he prepared our respective meals. I just focused on the sounds around me. The sizzling food, clatter of plates, pans, and cutlery, and the incessant drumming and tapping of Rikku's fingers and feet. I was still a little ornery, and part of me wanted to break her hand. I looked down, and the feeling of her hand on my thigh, and my vagina, flared up in my mind. I felt suddenly uncomfortable – uncomfortable because it _turned me on_. Of course that made me even more irritated. I didn't show it, and I certainly didn't act on it. Self-control was something I prided myself on. I figured if I was allowed to have one sin, and if that sin should be pride, then this was what I would choose.

She finally stopped, much to my relief. With a restless groan she hung her head, "We gotta get off this ship."

"Amen," I mumbled, rolling my eyes.

Yuna rushed in, trying to sound hopeful, "Maybe there'll be a festival in Luca today?"

A little bit of irritation aimed at Rikku surfaced, now unprovoked, and I carelessly said, "Happy festival fireworks?"

Yuna slapped my arm.

I glanced to my right to see Rikku's annoyed pout directed my way, "You were talking to Wakka the last time we went to Besaid, weren't you?" She asked.

"It's not something I'd particularly like to discuss, at the moment," I said, averting my gaze. I felt bad for saying it, _really_ bad, but she wouldn't take it to heart or anything. Surely she knew we were all to be a little snippy today. Right? I certainly hoped so. She was a tough girl, a little sarcastic jab here and there never hurt her, as far as I could tell. Of course this _was_ concerning the obliteration of her Home, but she didn't burst into tears or anything, so I opted to let it go.

It didn't _want_ to let go, damn it all!

Barkeep set our food down in front of us. For Rikku, a plate of hotcakes drenched in thick, brown, sugary syrup. I could taste the sugar overload from where I was sitting. I had a hash. A mix of eggs, corned beef, diced potato, and spice. Yuna had porridge, drenched in milk, dusted with brown sugar, and topped with blueberries. If given the option between her breakfast and Rikku's, I'd have chosen hers, hands down!

Out of the corner of my eye I watched as Rikku angrily cut into her hotcakes. She'd stuff them into her mouth and stab and prod at the next place she was going to cut into as she chewed. She hadn't been angry before, just bored. I pretended to be interested in my food, but a deep, cold pit began to form in my chest. I didn't enjoy insulting Rikku. Poking fun at her, maybe, but that was different. I'd said something hurtful, and not even in an acceptable sense. I was cold, but not _that _cold. I didn't really want to apologize, at least not right here. I figured I'd let her cool off a bit, first. It could wait, I supposed.


	2. Portrait 1

_AN: Maybe I should have named this story "Depth Charge." Huh. Oh, right, uh.. anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and apologize right here just in case any of this feels OOC. I'm going for a particular kind of vibe with this story, and it might risk some characterization, but maybe I'm just imagining things. This is all pretty experimental for me, and if anyone has anything constructive they'd like to toss my way, then please, be my guest(s)._

Chapter Two: Portrait #1

I'd definitely managed to stick my foot in it. And good, this time. Usually it did not matter how I felt at any moment, I tended to be able to just dig up the right words to say in any situation – granted that that was when I _chose_ to speak, and that wasn't exactly often. I preferred silence. Not because of the old saying about "opening your mouth," but I just rarely _had_ anything to say, usually because I cared so little that I could hardly ever even find a reason to speak, and therefore I just didn't. It made things easier. The less one speaks, the less people tend to form bonds with you. And that, more than anything, was fine by me. I'd become introverted at a young age, and oftentimes I even doubted that I had the potential to really connect with a person emotionally. That even meant as a friend. Or, at least, it used to.

Yuna and Rikku, they were... Different. I wasn't exactly sure where to place them, at first. Or, more importantly, how to explain how I was connected to them. What I thought about them? That was easy. Yuna wasn't noisy, she wasn't hyperactive and she wasn't mouthy. She was smart – albeit maybe a bit of an airhead – she was quiet, and spoke with such care as she chose her words, showing that when she spoke to you she was speaking from her heart and not hiding behind something premeditated or empty. When she looked at you, she _really_ looked at you. Sometimes that would unnerve me. In the early days it made me feel threatened. But, I got over that pretty fast once I'd gotten to know her. Rikku, on the other hand, was usually loud and obnoxious. Like Yuna, she said what she meant. Although in her case it was to say whatever was currently on her mind, regardless of anything. She had a tendency to be pretty, if not completely, insensitive sometimes. Did I mention nosy? Because she was that, too. Still.. she was extremely perceptive, far more than her cousin. And despite how she acted, I got the impression that she was a lot smarter than she let on. But, still, she did have admirable qualities. She was selfless, pretty damn, and brave, too. Well.. she was when she wanted to be, at least.

Right then, I guess I would say that they were the closest I'd come to having friends since the Crimson Squad. After working beside them for so long, honestly I could probably say it had been the closest I'd really ever been to _anyone_. There was a level of trust that had developed between us after all the missions we'd been on, all the battles we'd been through.. and it had overshadowed everything from my past. I'm the kind of person who lives with the mindset of putting their life on the line when fighting beside anyone, but with those girls.. it was more than that. It hadn't been an obligation. With them it was loyalty. They'd risked their lives for me, before. They'd shown me, proven without a shadow of a doubt, that I was a part of their team. That kind of connection transcends everything else.

All of that winds its way back to the point at hand: I had no idea what to do to make up for what I'd said. Honestly, it was horrible. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Rikku had felt at the moment of Home's destruction. For that matter even how it had felt when the realization had dawned that it _would_ be destroyed. So, I'd been shot? Rikku's entire Home, everything she had ever felt and known to be _hers_, her _peoples_'.. gone.

And I...

Had just...

Made a stab at it...

The first thing that really went through my mind was: _the _fuck_ is wrong with me?_

At first I'd tried to pretend that it hadn't gotten to her all that badly. We'd finished breakfast, albeit it in silence. Yuna, the helpful woman she was, had tried to start a conversation here and there. No one had ever responded. I honestly kind of felt sorry for the poor dear. She cared so much about helping others, and she had been able to tell – it was obvious enough for her to – that there was a problem. I'd done a good job of being cold and uncaring, for my part. I hadn't even acted like I'd felt guilty. At times it seemed like being able to just cast off every trace of emotion externally can be a curse. Usually I didn't care, but this was Rikku, and I'd had no right to go _there_, pissed or otherwise.

I was the one to actually say something, once we'd all finished eating. I wanted to get off the airship. It was starting to feel cramped, and I was about to suffocate if I didn't get outside and do _something_ other than the _nothing_ that would be happening if I didn't. I took a breath, let it out in just the right way to get their attention, and said, "Let's go talk to Brother. Tell him we need a day off." I cast my eyes left-to-right. Only Yuna was looking at me, so I looked back at her. She averted her gaze and started fiddling with the counter. _Great, now _she's_ uncomfortable_, I groaned. "Well?" I pushed the issue, hoping for concurrence from them, not total silence. It had started to feel like I'd just dropped out of reality and into some deep, silent void. It was never that quiet aboard the Celsius.

Ironic that, for once, I was lamenting that little tidbit.

"What if he says 'no?'" Rikku mumbled. She'd actually turned away from me.

I sighed, "Then we tie him up and just get Buddy to do it."

Rikku chuckled, "I'd feel safer with _him_ driving this thing than Brother." Yuna managed a giggle at this.

"So, is that a 'yes?'" I asked.

"Mm-hm," Yuna nodded, actually looking my direction. "Sounds like a plan!" Oh, gods, she was too enthusiastic about it, now. She probably hoped it would help lighten the mood.

Rikku sighed, "Yeah, I guess so." She slipped off her seat and shuffled toward the door. I turned to Yuna and motioned for her to go with Rikku. I wondered if she could tell, when she tilted her head and smiled almost sadly, that I actually was sorry for what I'd said. I was sure that was what had caused this sudden drop in atmosphere. It wasn't as if there was something else that could have caused it, unless I missed something. And, at the risk of sounding prideful, I had _not_ missed _anything_.

I hurried to catch up with them, just in case Brother decided he wanted to be stubborn today. He and I had a working relationship of: he didn't piss me off, and I didn't hurt him. Although he could typically be won over by a smile from his cousin, sometimes it took an extra glare or presence for him to make up his mind. I was still teed off, both at myself and at Rikku, and I would have enjoyed an excuse to break maybe an arm.. or something. I stepped into the bridge to be greeted by Rikku and Brother wrestling on the floor. Yeah, it looked like it was gonna be one of _those_ days. I leapt over the railing and quickly pulled the two apart. Yuna and Buddy had been watching from the sidelines; she anxiously, he disinterestedly. Shinra was.. well, there's no point in even mentioning what he was doing, it never really seemed to change.

"Hey!" Rikku whined, tearing her shoulder out from under my hand. "What'd you have to go and cut in, for?" She glared at me, dead in the eye. She looked ready for a fight. I don't think I've ever seen her like that, before. Gods, I felt bad. But, there was no way in Hell I'd show _any_ form of weakness in front of Brother. I kept from egging her on and forewent a warning; I threw one to Brother, instead. He cringed, slipping back to his seat. I stayed there, in the space between them, just in case either one of them got back into a murdering mood.

Yuna intervened as quickly as possible, the tension palpable as a humid fog, "Brother, maybe we should take a break, today. We just need to stretch our legs; relieve some tension. Don't you feel like just getting outside and _doing_ something, today? Please? I'm sure it would do us all some good," she pleaded, giving him – whether unknowingly or consciously – one of the biggest, saddest puppy-dog eyes looks I think I'd ever seen her manage.

Honestly, I was _almost_ in tears.

Two things happened before Brother spoke. First, he looked at Rikku. His jaw clenched, probably in preparation for a verbal attack that would undoubtedly have led to another scuffle. Second, he looked at _me_. That was all it took. His resolve melted like a Flan Blanco. He heaved a dramatic sigh, slumping forward and muttering something unintelligible in Al Bhed, and nodded. "Okay. We will go to Luca, today." Yuna's eyes turned to the heavens, probably in thanks to the Fayth – she had a tendency to do that, I thought it was just silly, but it seemed to float her boat – and flashed me a winning smile. I nodded in response, feeling my expression softening as she carted her cousin out of the bridge.

I rounded on Brother, leaning in threateningly and managed to even get a whimper from him, "Good choice," I affirmed in the most menacing manner possible. He nodded emphatically in agreement as I stood back up and faced Buddy. "The Hell happened?"

He laughed derisively, "I can't say for sure. Rikku ran in, jumped the rail and nearly started screaming. It all happened so fast..."

I furrowed my brow, "What did she-"

"Not a clue," he shook his head. "I didn't catch it. Too fast. But, I think it may have had something to do with Brother being a bastard." He couldn't help but laugh, and clapped his friend on the shoulder reassuringly. Brother shrugged him off in a wild frenzy of gesticulations and stomped over to sulk in a corner. "Anyway, you didn't miss much. Came in just a few seconds after it all hit the fan. Glad you cut it up, 'cause I wasn't about to get _anywhere_ near them."

I waved it off. "Hey!" I barked to get Brother's attention, "What happened to us going to Luca?"

"Don't worry about it," Shinra sighed. Something about his tone of voice said that he _really _wanted nothing to do with Brother and Rikku's antics. "I've already set the Celsius on a course to the docks from here. We should be there in half an hour." He turned around, peering over the top of his chair, "I can't bring us in, though. That's not in my job description."

I cocked an eyebrow, "You have a job description?" He shook his head, and I quickly cut him off, "Don't say it. I'm not in the mood."

Brother huffed from his corner, "You are always in 'the mood.'"

"Want to say that to my face?" I asked, headed up the stairs. The lack of reply made me smile. The day I could not longer scare brother would be a terrible day, indeed.

XXX

I'm not too much of a fan of the city. Too many people. Too many threats. Call me paranoid, but I just didn't feel safe in the midst of a giant crowd of bodies. There were kill zones everywhere, and it was so easy to get lost in the chaos that sometimes it wasn't even worth _trying_ to know where you were going, because oftentimes you'd just get pushed somewhere else by the undulating currents of the crowd. Yuna had grown up on Besaid for most of her life, and I had been able to tell from day one on that she hated Luca. She was used to the small, quiet island life, and just didn't know what to make of the noisy, busy machine that was our very own Luca. She would never say so, but I could always tell by the look in her eyes or the hints of frailty in her smile that she was usually pretending to be enjoying herself. At the end of the day she would usually just fall onto a couch, exhausted from all the sights and sounds and stress, and just fall asleep there. I'd taken to picking her up and bringing her to her bed. I wasn't usually charitable, but I knew how it felt to be out of one's comfort zone, and I sympathized. So sue me.

We'd been wandering aimlessly for maybe an hour. It was just Luca. Nothing new, nothing interesting, and therefore nothing to do. A miracle was too much to hope for, and silently I think we all just gave up on the idea of taking part in anything to pass the time. Even if something had caught Yuna or Rikku's eye, assuming they even felt like doing anything, I probably would have resigned from participating. Little here really interested me all that much. We just walked. No one said anything, because there was nothing to be said – even if any of us actually _wanted_ to talk, because it seemed like we were all still swallowed up in a depressing fog that had its heart set on keeping us down.

"See anything you'd like to do?" Yuna asked me, having to shout over the white noise of city life.

I gave her a look that said, "Do you really think I care?"

A sigh, evident by the way she moved, "I'd just be happy getting out of the street."

_That_ was obviously her way of saying: "Please, please, _please_! For the love of Sin, _get me the fuck inside_!"

"Don't see anywhere you'd like to go shopping?" I asked. Truthfully, this was how bad things were. She was feeling so depressed herself that I felt like I had to catch onto one, tiny little thread of conversation and tried to wind it into something meaningful, even if I did not want to talk – which I didn't.

Yuna shook her head, her expression showing what I thought was gratification for keeping the discussion alive, "No. I was kind of hoping for something exciting to do, you know?"

I nodded, wracking my brain for anything to say that would keep this _chat_ trucking, "I don't like shopping," was what finally came out. All right. So, I was sunk. La-dee-fucking-dah. But, Yuna didn't have to explode into laughter like she did. Well, at least she had something to entertain her, for as short lived as it was. The attention it got us from surrounding pedestrians made my skin crawl, though. Rikku took the time to pry herself away from her own venture to look at us like we were plague-ridden. She was obviously in a foul mood.

Rikku had been busying herself with a little game of her own. Now I _really_ knew she was pissed off. She was stealing from people. She had the most talented fingers of any thief I'd ever met, and I actually had met my fair share. Couple that with the mind I was sure she had underneath all that blonde, and what you got was an extremely dangerous individual. But, she also had a conscience. She never stole from people outright like that unless she was just angry enough not to care, or they were the kinds of people she just did not mind stealing from. It was all the proof I needed – not to say there hadn't been an overwhelming amount of it, before – to decide that I had to think of _something_ to do to make her feel better for what I'd said. That would probably have to start with an apology, I realized.

So, I made the decision to kill two birds with one stone.

I was the one who'd pushed to get us out here, so it was my fault that Yuna was uncomfortable. It was also, as stated, my fault that Rikku was angry enough to steal from people who were, for all we knew, innocent passerby. Not to say I was going to be rewarding criminal behavior, on Rikku's part (a small part of me, the part still agitated at Rikku because of _that dream_, wanted to let it slip later to Yuna what her cousin had been doing), but I figured I needed to find something, or two somethings, to make up to both Yuna _and_ Rikku. I wasn't usually this motivated, especially about this kind of thing, but something nagging at the back of my head just told me that this would be the right thing to do.

The moment my thoughts turned to Rikku, visions from the night before flared to life right behind my eyes. I tore my gaze away from her, looking at whatever I could find in the distance as I struggled not to relive what I could still remember. It did little good. Tickling whispers of her fingers tracing the flesh of my breasts fought their way to the foreground, and a shiver worked its way down my spine. If I didn't get over this stupid dream then there was no way I would be able to face Rikku without flying off the handle at the slightest thing. I'd just have to trust in my self-control, though it had already failed me royally.

Of course, that still left what I was going to do. I wasn't a sentimental person, not by a long shot, and this just wasn't my area of expertise. It was foreign soil, and every step I took felt unsteady and nothing seemed solid. I just wasn't any good with this kind of stuff. Maybe I could use some help, then? I looked at the back of Yuna's head, in my daze I'd fallen behind the two cousins. I hurried to catch up with them. I didn't want to be too far away if something went down, though I doubted it would. Being too careful rarely hurt, if ever. I also definitely did _not_ want to add them getting hurt to the list of problems already lingering over my conscience.

So, step one: find somewhere to talk to Yuna, which had to be a place where she could relax. I eyed the nearby shops and attractions, weighing what I knew about the older girl against the type of venue and the amount of people already there. I was almost about to give up on where we were when I noticed one store nearby, and smile internally. I grabbed Yuna's attention and told her to follow me. She, in turn, called to Rikku, who trudged along behind us. Well, trudged was not the right word. She was sort of swaying from side-to-side, it was just one part of her method of filching from others. Said method was complicated in an over-exaggerated way. Didn't mean it didn't work.

The place was a small corner shop with big, glass windows for displaying its wares just like every other store in the city. I'd seen it before on previous outings to Luca, and it never seemed to change. They sold flowers, mainly. Just upon entering it felt like you were stepping into another world. Whoever ran the place must have known a little bit of magic, because it was actually comfortably cool inside. Rows of exotic plant life made it feel like a garden or a jungle, and the air was filled with a sweet, enriching aroma that you'd expect from a store filled with flowers. They also sold bottled fragrances, which supposedly equalled the scents of the flowers on their labels, but I doubted they were anything even remotely close. To add to the atmosphere, there were stone fountains dotting the colorful aisles. They used some kind of machina to cycle the water, creating endless loops of soothing, gurgling music.

Rikku, for one, was caught off guard, and hesitantly took interest in the displays. As she began to roam, I turned to Yuna. She wore a nostalgic smile, and when she looked at me I could see that she was very surprised. "Paine, what-"

I shrugged, dispelling the query, "I figured you'd like it. Also, there's.. something I'd like to get your opinion on."

She linked her hands behind her back, her hip and head leaning to opposite sides as she looked up at me, "Oh?" An inquisitive grin graced her features. At least she was interested. I had honestly been a little worried that I'd just bore her. But, this _was_ Yuna. I should have known she'd be happy to help. She always was, no matter the problem.

I lead her to the back of the store, farthest from Rikku. Deciding to just be blunt about it, I said, "I want to do something for Rikku.. to make up for what I said earlier, but.. I'm just not sure what to do." I averted my eyes. Half out of embarrassment, half out of shame. Yuna rarely judged, but I still did not want to risk seeing that look in her eyes.

"Well, what did you have in mind?" She asked. I think she sounded amused. While that irritated me, she had a right to be, and I was in no position to be offended.

"I don't know. Maybe get her a present or something, I suppose." I met her gaze, maybe almost sullenly. I didn't want to seem like I was trying to earn her sympathy, since I was the one at fault. I hid the look quickly.

She shook her head, brown locks dancing side-to-side in cascading curtains, "Your heart's in the right place, Paine, but that would just seem empty. Even if she could tell you meant it, it would still feel like you were saying, 'Here, take this and it never happened.'"

I opened my mouth to respond, but quickly swallowed my words. She was right. I was still just skirting the issue, trying to find a solution that would require as little effort as possible just because I felt too uncomfortable to face her and apologize. My head hung low, I asked, "So what do I do, then? Just tell her I'm sorry?"

"I guess you could say that. You don't have to make a big deal about it, but just let her _know_ that you mean it. Tell her in a way that matters." I tensed as she gently took hold of my chin and raised my head up a little, just enough so that she could look me in the eye. It was eerily reminiscent of how Rikku had vied for my attention in the dream. I straightened slowly, and her arm fell to her side. "She'll appreciate it more that way. Trust me?"

That surprised me a bit, her asking me that. I nodded hesitantly and answered, "Yes."

Her face lit up like the sun, "Good." That was something else she and her cousin shared: infectious personalities, most notably their smiles. I couldn't help but smile softly back, and thanked her in turn. "Don't mention it." I was starting to leave when she said, "You know, maybe Rikku's right."

I stopped dead in where I stood, too dumbstruck to keep going or turn around, "What?"

I could almost hear the smile as she explained, "Rikku had a theory. She said that underneath it all, you really weren't as cold as you make it seem. Not to say that you have a gooey center, or anything, but... Sometimes you come off as callous. Obviously I don't particularly think that you are, but maybe Rikku _was_ on to something?"

Well. That was unexpected. Was my image _really_ falling apart that badly? Maybe I was just too comfortable around them. Then again.. was that really even such a bad thing? I'd felt comfortable around Nooj, Gippal and Baralai back in the Squad before the Den of Woe, but with how _that_ had turned out... I wondered if that was really such a good thing to be opening up this soon, if at all. If I trusted Yuna and Rikku like I trusted my old teammates.. was I even...?

I let the question hang, and left Yuna to herself. I had no idea how to respond to what she had told me – to what she had asked – and I wasn't even sure I wanted to. All right, so it was true that I was not _quite_ as icy as most people assumed, and they usually did because of how I acted. After the Crimson Squad I didn't want to risk opening myself up to anyone, at least not for a while. The fact that Rikku had managed to see a glimmer of anything – even if it was just a lucky guess – worried me, to tell the truth. Maybe she really was as perceptive as I thought she was, or maybe I really _was_ just giving her too much credit and I'd been letting my guard down recently.

It didn't matter, I had something else to focus on. I found Rikku staring into one of the fountains. It was actually pretty big. They had decorated the surface with lilies, and a small school of orange fish were swimming around inside. That was probably what had drawn her to it. She watched them with big, fascinated eyes as they skirted about beneath the glassy surface. Someone had tossed gil in, and they glittered at the bottom of the pool. I kind of hoped that _that_ wasn't what she was looking at.

I took a slow breath to get up my courage. My heart was hammering wildly in my chest, and all of a sudden I had no idea what to do or say. I ran my eyes over her, my breath catching at her curves. I shook my head and shut my eyes tight, berating myself for letting my mind wander. That damned dream was really starting to fuck with my head. It was the problem, not Rikku. It and my own damned self. It was just a stupid dream, and if I didn't accept that and get over it then there was never going to be any semblance of normalcy ever again! I opened my eyes and steeled my resolve. I had to do it _now_.

"Hey," I said, grateful that I at least sounded calm.

She flinched, spinning around so fast that it scared the fish. She glanced down at them as they flew to the other end of the pool, and then back up at me. "Oh," she nervously began to play with one of her braids, "Hey, Paine." I felt a little guilty, not because of my comments earlier, but because she'd seemed so serene there, for a minute. Now she was trying to act cool and cover up how she really felt.

I folded my arms, my eyes skimming the flowers as I tried to think of what to say. "Sorry" just felt too weak. It wouldn't be enough, not even near. Then the words came to me, as the thought passed through my head. "Rikku," I looked back at her, meeting her eyes as bravely as I could. The humor of the moment failed to escape me, that _I_ was the one feeling nervous. She watched me patiently, biting her lip as she dealt with thoughts of her own. "I, uh.. I'm sorry, for what I said earlier." The way her eyes widened may have been one of the funniest things I've ever seen her do. She was at an utter and total loss for anything to say. Which was good, because I wasn't finished, yet.

"Listen, I know that I shouldn't have done that, no matter how I felt. And I also know that there's nothing I can say to really make up for it, either. But.. I just want you to know that I didn't mean anything by it, and that I really do feel bad for what I said." I paused, letting my words sink in. An inexplicable rush of emotion had swept through me, and it left me feeling dizzy. It felt good, though. The honesty, the truthfulness. I was placing myself at her mercy, I realized. I should have been more nervous, now, but.. I couldn't remember a time I'd felt more sure of myself. I guess that it really had been the right thing to do, after all. It still felt open ended, so I decided to add one more thing.

"I can understand if you don't want to forgive me– if you _can't_. Maybe I don't even deserve it, but that's not what matters. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. That's all that does." A shiver ran through me, and I looked over. A brown blur caught my eye. _Yuna_, a voice whispered. Well, that was just wonderful. I guess she'd wanted to see it for herself: the Ice Queen melting.

I glanced back at Rikku. She was staring silently at the floor, her foot drawing out invisible lines on the stone. With a silent nod to myself, I walked around the store until I found the third member of our team. She wasn't as good an actress as Rikku, and was currently the very epitome of "forced nonchalant." I told her I would be going for a walk, and that I'd meet them back at the ship later.

"Think you'll be okay?" I asked. The whole time, she had been tracing petals with her fingertips while she listened. She turned to me, now, and before I could even begin to realize what was happening she'd gathered me into a tight hug. I heard a squeak, and as much as I hate to admit it, it was probably _me_. I looked around fitfully, feeling extremely awkward and confused. I hated when people did this kind of stuff, because it seriously threw me off. Not a single word was said from either of us. In the end, she just stepped back, hands still on my arms as she smiled up at me. It was the happiest she'd been all day, I think. Her own, silent way of thanking me, I suppose. I wondered what for, exactly.

"We'll be fine," she assured me, her hands linking together in front of her. I hesitated, and this made her giggle, "We can take care of ourselves, Paine. Don't worry." She flashed me a wink, and when I still didn't seem convinced she took to shooing me off. I still felt unsure, but left all the same. I noticed Rikku while passing through the store. She was staring into the fountain, again, hands gripping the rim tight. I wondered if she had forgiven me or not, but all I hoped was that she'd start feeling better. A part of me missed her happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care personality. It made things more interesting.

The real reason I wanted to get away for a little while was to give us some time apart. If I was constantly around then she might feel pressured to say she forgave me, or just feel uneasy in general. We both needed time to think, and maybe Yuna did, too. I don't know. Like with apologizing, this just felt like the right thing to do, so I did it. Yuna did say one of the things we needed to do was to "stretch our legs," right? So, I did. I just.. walked. After a while I wasn't even thinking about anything. Even though I was in the middle of hundreds of people, I felt alone. And that brought on a kind of serenity I hadn't felt in quite a while. It felt good. I will admit a small part of me was worried about Yuna and Rikku. I'd grown protective of them, it was just part of our bond. But I couldn't be expected to babysit them. Yuna was right, they could handle themselves; and I needed some time alone, for once, which I rarely ever had on the Celsius – which was loud, and crowded for its actually considerable size.

After all that had happened in less than a few hours, it turned out a day to ourselves really was all we'd needed. Go figure.

_AN: These _Portrait _chapters are going to be used to analyze the relationships between the characters, as well as their evolution and development – specifically Paine's, since this is first person. At least that's my intention. Like I said, writing this is still all experimental for me, so I might screw it up, which is why I'm trying to take my time to get these out. Also, thank you so much for the reviews. I'd honestly been losing hope that anyone was reading this, or found it interesting. They really gave me an extra boost to keep writing this._


	3. Carry the Fire, Bury the Flame

_Because anyone who originally followed this probably doesn't care anymore, I'm not going to waste time explaining what caused such a long delay in posting this. Sorry, for what little it's worth._

Chapter Three: Carry the Fire, Bury the Flame

Do you know what the best thing in the world is?

It's a dumb question, because the answer hinges solely on conjecture and people tend to pick something that's right on top of their mind at the moment rather than thinking on it. I found it was a good way to get to know somebody, regardless. What they value leads into who they are, what kind of things they like. How they might act. Or, more usually, what they're going through at the moment. If something is troubling you, then your answer would probably be something that might help alleviate whatever that was. Puzzles and threads in a web, leading from point to point and mapping out a complete picture from a lot of little ones. And all those details you learn to surmise after years of studying people and learning how they tick, how to tell what kind of person they might be according to typically tiny tells – mind the alliteration, please. I'm rambling, so I'll try to get back on point: For example, if on any average day someone asked me this, and assuming I felt like answering, one of the top choices I'd pluck from my head would probably be alcohol. Because it can provide a mask for your troubles, and I'd like to think it helped keep any reoccurring nightmares away when I sleep.

Here's another example, and I think it's actually a bit more pertinent: Right then, I would have told you that the most important thing in the world was an umbrella, because I didn't have one. I don't remember exactly how long I'd been walking for, what with how we usually perceive time. It just blurred by, more so probably because I was so lost amidst my own thoughts. The rain came without warning, dark clouds rolling in and thunder rolling across the sky. Oddly enough, the first thing that crossed my mind was: _Well, there goes my hair_. In only seconds it was soaked, lost its shape and had become plastered to my face. Cursing my bad luck, I ducked into a pub. Out of a bad situation and into a good one, I suppose. Would have gone back to the Celsius normally, but I decided against letting my clothes get sopping wet, too. Leather and water are not a good mix, even if the contact's brief.

After shaking some of the excess water out of my hair, I took a look around. Judged my surroundings. Not a lot of people yet, but with the storm as bad as it was that could change rapidly. I moved further in, deciding that I could at least beat the potential crowd. A good way to tip somebody off that you're analyzing them is to let your eyes linger for too long. Anyone with common sense or training could tell when they were being watched. So that's precisely what I didn't do. Just a couple of quick preliminary sweeps. No one rubbed me the wrong way, so I carried on to the bar dominating the back of the place. Took my seat, tossed a few coins onto the counter and ordered a glass of whiskey.

While I was waiting I rolled my neck around, trying to loosen the muscles. My hair was already starting to get on my nerves, clinging desperately to my forehead and cheeks. On a whim, I pulled my gloves off and threw them down on the counter. I wasn't sure if the leather would shrink or not, but I'd have hated to get my arms stuck in my own fucking clothes. By the time I'd finally gotten my drink, I'd started tending to the thick, tangled ropes of silver grabbing at my skin. Didn't want any of it in my eyes, so I tucked what of it I could behind my ears, the rest I just had to slick back. Didn't know _how_ disheveled I looked, but I was sure it wasn't exactly helping my image all that much. How high maintenance did _that_ sound?

Started to wonder what Yuna and Rikku were doing as I lifted my drink. Well, they probably went back to the airship well before the storm started. What else would they have done? Part of why we ended up at that place was because there hadn't been anything for us to do. Only partly. The real reason had been much bigger. I found I could look back at it now with a bit of ill humor. The liquor felt good going down, stirring a bit of warmth inside. I closed my eyes, focused on my other senses. Footsteps, chatter, clinks and clatters of glass and wood. Chairs scraping the floor. I hoped things would just go back to normal after today; after what I'd said. The way life worked, my ability to reach any certainty on probable events wasn't a strong suit. What good was there in trying when you were rarely right?

I hadn't been able to get a reading on her after apologizing. The way she stared uneasily at the floor, nervous or uncomfortable or maybe both under my scrutiny. Knowing Rikku – and, I did – she would either make a choice immediately or take a while to make up her mind. I might go back to the ship to find that she'd forgiven me or was still as wrapped up in her decision making as I was in my own mixed up introspections. Brought a smile to my lips, that's for sure. Or maybe it was the whiskey. Couldn't be bothered to tell. Either way something was working, so why argue? Better to just let it happen. If I started ruminating on it I'd just work myself right out of my amiable mood. I'd walked that road before. If there was anyone I knew, it was _me_. I'd spent the better part of eighteen years getting to know myself, and the way my mind worked was cyclical. I would usually look too deep into a lot of things, most inconsequential, especially if it bugged me. Maybe I'm obsessive-compulsive. Why _did_ this bug me? I started to furrow my brow, drifting away from the heat of the alcohol.

No, see: I was doing it again. I had to stop! I shook my head, letting out a captive breath before taking another sip. With luck the drink would start doing a better job before I sabotaged myself_ again_. Muttering under my breath about how I had problems, the words "fuck it" cropped up before I went ahead and knocked back the rest of the glass. I peered into it dejectedly for a moment, and then ordered another. Preferably drunk and safe than sober and sorry.

Someone sat down a seat away from mine. With so many still free, I had a feeling I was in for the long haul, here.

"Can't believe the weather got ugly so fast, huh?" He laughed, directing his comment to me. Sometimes I hate being right. At one point in my life things like this had made me take to musing that maybe the universe reacts in some small degree to your thoughts. Engineers a direct response to exactly what pushes your buttons, or some shit. Right now my metaphorical console was getting hammered with input. I resigned to focusing on my drink. "No clouds or anything all day, then suddenly this?" He gestured back at the window, shaking his head incredulously. I could feel his eyes on me, waiting for an answer that he was going to have to have to drag like a team of chocobos to get out of me.

When I wanted a lay, it's what I'd set out to do. A conscious decision made before the fact, I wasn't the biggest fan of spontaneity. Maybe now you can see why being around Rikku (and, to a smaller extent, Yuna) could get a little.. taxing. Second to that: _I_ would approach someone. You could call it a test of mettle. They came on to me, I brushed them off every time. It would usually not endear them to me for starters, even though I admit that could be taken as hypocrisy. I won't lie, a playing factor is that I don't like my personal space getting invaded. I tended to look at it the same way I did a fight. I would be the one to lead it, I would be in control. That way the situation bent to my preferences, end of story. A lot of guys felt belittled when a woman was the one to approach them, anyway. A good way to weed the "boys from the men," if you will.

Okay, that might be a slightly unfair stereotype. Whatever.

"Looks like you've got a lot on your mind," he discerned, tone managing to be nonintrusive. Then he shattered it by tacking on, "Sometimes it can help relieve stress to vent, you know?" My eyes slid over to him like Rikku trying to walk on ice: slow and steady until they reached something to catch onto. Took another sip of my drink, and went back to staring into my glass. Maybe he would take the hint. "Ah, well." Nope. "I've been there, before. Just wanting to be left to my liquor and think. Hoping it'll make the stress go away."

Very astute, but I would have preferred that _he_ went away. I could have outright told him this, but at the time I didn't feel like opening my mouth to do anything other than swallow more whiskey. I'll give him this, though: he was persistent. Unfortunately not in the way I can admire, because he was showing off his staying power by _bothering_ me. If I was lucky, I thought, someone else would come in and he'd just go off and pester them for a while. I ordered a few more drinks, and he tried a few more times to get something out of me. "Persistent" quickly became an understatement, he was downright tenacious. Despite what he may have believed, somehow and by who knows what form of logic, it wasn't earning him even the most negligible sum of respect points.

I wound up with a momentary reprieve when the sphere came on to show Shelinda standing under an awning in Luca's city square. "For anyone who was looking forward to getting out on the town, it looks like the weather has other things on its mind, today." Oh, you don't say.

That was about all I caught, because I was quick to dig myself back down into the solace of people not trying to talk my ear off. I'd had a long enough day as it was, already. Attempts to strike up an accord – with inane substance, no less – were not helping. My eyes flicked back to the window, watching the heavy downpour and taking note of how dark it was. A part of me had hoped it would be a short shower, but that was looking busted. How long was I going to wait, then? I couldn't let myself get hammered, I didn't want to end up somehow reenacting that dre- Oh, boy. That was back. I assumed the alcohol had loosened up any mental barriers I'd set up around the fantasy- which, since apologizing, had seemed to feel a little stronger. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that. Then again, would I have just gone the rest of my life without alcohol? Because _that _certainly wasn't an option.

Speaking of alcohol, the rest of my glass was gone. That left an empty feeling. I rubbed at my eyes, a groan catching in my throat as I set the glass back down and fought to resist the pervasive return of last night's fantasy. Inactivity coupled with an influx of something intoxicating creates a very dangerous measure of woolgathering; it was wrapping tight, thick and hot around my head. I felt like I needed to breathe, again; very warm, like my brain was a machina set to overheat from not being granted enough time to cool. Even more now that my thoughts were running unimpeded. So, I grabbed my gloves and left. I made sure to turn the opposite direction of the guy who'd tried to rope me into a conversation, hoping that would be his final sign that I wasn't in the mood.

_"You are always in 'the mood.'"_

I thanked my brain for that little bit of provocation, because now I wanted to hurt Brother once I got back to the Celsius. I tucked my gloves into a belt – because I have so very many to choose from, I decided giving one an extra job wouldn't cause all my clothes to just fall off. And normally my brain didn't decide it followed similar patterns to Rikku's, so I really must have been feeling the liquor by then. That, of course, gave rise to me wondering if Rikku did any heavy drinking or if she just had the mental patterns of an inebriate. As ridiculous as that train of thinking was, some part of my brain still answered it: seeing as how I didn't (often) smell alcohol on her, it meant she was simply off kilter. Glad _that_ mystery had been solved, I wondered if I could perhaps concentrate on getting back home.

I accomplished reaching the Celsius without face-planting the street, but by that time I was sopping wet and chilled right down to the bone. Once I was underneath the body of the airship I dug out my communicator, which I'd managed to keep dry by sticking it inside the fold of my shawl. "Anybody home?"

Silence followed, and then: "Hey, yeah. Sorry to keep you waiting." It was Buddy. "We were starting to wonder when you'd get back. Here, let me get the door for you." The ramp lowered with a pneumatic hiss, and after entering I threw a wave at the camera hovering in the cargo bay. The ramp slid right back up into place. I could still hear the rain outside, roaring cacophonously against the hull.

"Thanks," was all he got. Buddy I liked. He didn't pry, nor was he unreasonably boisterous. If the dynamic between Brother and I could be summed up as him not annoying me, then with Buddy it was mutual respect for privacy.

"Don't let me keep you, though I gotta warn you: Rikku's probably going to want to know what party you were at that she didn't get an invitation to."

I cracked a smile, "Likely enough." And that was the end of the discussion. On my way up in the lift I took a moment to steel myself for whatever might lay ahead. Feelings and scenes filled the periphery of my acknowledged thoughts. I had to keep them back, I _wanted_ to keep them back. The last thing that needed to happen was some sort of rerun of the morning's events. It was probably the alcohol, but I felt a slight pang as I recalled what I'd said, and how it had affected the thief. I crossed my arms, a reflexive posture I slipped into often. Someone had told me once, years back, that it was a self defense mechanism. A kind of attempt at sheltering oneself, as if folding your arms in front of you could be used as a shield – or at least a comforting facsimile of an embrace or something. I didn't much like the idea of carrying myself like I needed a hug. Yevon forbid Rikku ever hear it, because then I'd never stop having to. Regardless, I was just as likely to drop it as I was drinking.

The door opened and I kicked off the railing, setting smoothly into a comfortable stride down the hall. As soon as the second door made way I knew I was in trouble. The cousins were near the bar, and jumped the instant they caught sight of me. They were hiding something. Yuna looked excited, and the way she was standing told me there was something behind her back. Rikku was a little more practiced. She put on a happy face and leaned playfully against the brunette, getting a giggle out of the high summoner followed by a whispered admonishment.

"What is it?" I asked, marching into the cabin.

Rikku made a face, "That's not how surprises work! You're not supposed to know anything's up!"

"You're whining." I turned to Yuna and repeated my query, "What is it?"

Yuna shushed her piqued cousin and composed herself, "We decided to get you a present."

"No, that's not what happened, Yunie!" Rikku mewled, pawing at the gunner's arm.

"Why don't you tell it, then!" She replied.

Rikku nodded and turned to me, "After what you told me, I said I wanted to get you something in return. I.. I really appreciated what you did, Paine. I know it couldn't have been easy." She bit her lip for a second, digging her heel into the floor as she contemplated how to approach this further. "You're forgiven." I felt a swell at this, and had to actually struggle not to smile. I blamed it on the whiskey. I was doing that a lot, now. "Thank you so much, and.. in return," she let the words hang, muttering for Yuna to show me. The ex-summoner complied, stepping aside and picking up a yellow and blue vase filled with flowers of all different colors. "Okay, the flowers were my idea. Yunie got the vase, because.. well, you need something to _put_ the flowers in."

I can't say I didn't appreciate the gesture, but now I was in an awkward position. I don't respond well to gifts or compliments, similar to how I reacted when Yuna hugged me earlier. I felt on the spot and didn't know what do to. For some reason "thanks" just never felt like the right thing to say, and it only served to make me uncomfortable. I approached them slowly, examining the diverse arrangement in silence.

"Ya don't gotta say anything," Rikku piped up, drawing my attention. She briefly appeared surprised I looked at her. "Y'know, just..." She gestured at the gift and shrugged, "Thanks, that's all." I reached up and traced a fingertip along the edge of a yellow petal, marveling at how soft it felt. Almost like velvet. I managed not to frown as something occurred to me: They had been talking about it, hadn't they? After I left, they probably took to discussing what had transpired. For a short time that irked me, like it took away from what that moment had been. It was personal to me, deeply so. For Rikku, too.. so why did she go and start gabbing about it with Yuna?! Irritation turned to a subtle burn in my throat, but I swallowed it down and calmed the flame. Then a deep breath. No, it made sense, I told myself. They were both understandably baffled. Rikku especially. I had no right to get angry with them about that. No right at all. "Why are your gloves in your belt?"

Moment was over. "The rain," I answered.

Yuna bit back a laugh, "Maybe you should go shower. I'll put these by your bed. If you don't mind, I mean?" I answered her question with an approving shake of my head, then made for the stairs.

"You seem a little off," the Al Bhed surveyed, tagging along behind me. I didn't answer. "Kinda curious to know where you went. What you were up to while Yunie and I have been waiting." She hopped in front of me, stopping me long enough to lean in for a closer look. I backed away apprehensively, furrowing my brow. My reaction was slightly clumsy, and that was all the girl needed. She got a funny look in her eye. "You're drunk!" She exclaimed, pointing at me with her arm outstretched. Ah, shit.

"I don't see how-" I started, intending to defend myself before she cut me off.

"Jeez, I didn't know it ate you up that bad, Doctor P." She slunk a bit closer. When she was about a half a foot away she grinned, turned and started elbowing me incessantly in the stomach, "That. Is. So. _Cute!_"

"I'm leaving." I barged by, quickly proceeding up the stairs and along the balcony.

"Painey really _cares_! That's adorable!" Rikku went on unperturbed. She more than kept up. In fact, she was dancing literal circles around me while beaming. "You felt so bad for what you said that you went and drowned your guilt in booze." I didn't like where this was headed. "After pouring your heart out to me like that – okay, so it's as close as _you_ can get to that – you went right to pouring from the bottle to relieve the pain. Oh!" She stopped right in front of me, forcing me to halt again. I frowned down at her, wondering what devious little remark she was cooking up. The gears in her skull were spinning, I could see it in her eyes. She raised a finger to her lips, smile coming back as she declared, "That means I was _right_!" The assertion was roughly the last straw. I pushed her out of the way and kept on for the bathroom. She wouldn't leave well enough alone, either. Twice in one day. Joy. "You know you're really not helping your case by waltzing off all stoic and stoney faced, 'cause it means I'm really really right and you just don't wanna admit it, so that's why you're in such a hurry and why you look like you wanna hurt me- like: the 'put-me-through-a-wall' kind of hurt me."

I'll be honest, that had a nice ring to it at the time.

I stopped abruptly, my foggy brain taking a second to process everything she'd just said, "Rikku, I- What?" I shook my head, beginning to massage my temple. "That.. 'sentence'.. was too long."

She rolled her green eyes at me, "S'cause you're tipsy. See, bet I could _tip_ you over right now if I tried." A firm prod at my shoulder, then she hopped back.

"It didn't work," I wearily informed.

She just shrugged, "I wasn't trying."

"I'm sure." I took the opportunity her distance provided to make another push. But damn if she wasn't fast. As if I didn't already know that, I just feel it needs stating.

"You don't have to find your solace in the bottom of a glass, it's not healthy." She slapped me on the arm, "You're a doctor, you should know that!"

"You're deluding yourself," I chided.

The girl was incorrigible, "Painey, my heart is open whenever you wanna talk." Now she was walking backwards just a step ahead of me. I planned on walking her right into the bathroom door. "Sometimes everyone needs to spill their guts – and I mean this metaphorically, not literally. Don't want you falling on your own sword or nothing. Keeping all that hurt inside's gonna rot you out until there's not much left but it." My scheme failed. By fair means or foul – I don't have even the faintest notion how – she knew exactly where the door was and when to stop short of smacking into it. In my current state I didn't register this in time, and so I ran right into _her_ and pushed us both against the door. My hands reached out instinctively, planting themselves on the steel and veritably trapping her under me.

She blushed, "Uh, whoops."

For that short, short instance where I was pressed to her the entirety of that _damned_ dream ripped through the already straining membrane between conscious and unconscious thought. In nanoseconds my brain had been flooded. Ghosting touches and a smokey kiss, breathing her scent and tasting her mouth. I swiftly bit my tongue and took a step back, concentrating on her _now_ instead of her in the _dream_. I sucked in a breath and glowered down at her, "Move." The order came out strained, and I hoped she'd not think too much of it.

Rikku frowned, "Hey, I just noticed your hair."

"I. Said. Move!" This time a growl, my eyes burning down into hers.

"Sheesh," came an exasperated groan, but at least she moved out of the way. I watched her as she sauntered back across the balcony, only to turn around after a few feet. "I'd say you're a mean drunk, but you're kinda always like this."

I considered correcting her, mentioning that "kinda" and "always" are contrasting, but I didn't want to risk saying anything titanically stupid, again. After grabbing something more comfortable (and drier) to wear, I sealed myself in the bathroom and for a minute I just leaned against the sink, head lowered and tapping my heel against the floor as I fought with my own troublesome mind. It rarely betrayed me so royally, so I wasn't sure what was going on. Maybe it _was_ just my drinking. I'd gotten back to something I could have called "normal" before emptying four or five glasses worth of liquor. Yeah, that had to have been it, I told myself. A case of bad decision making. I'd be fine once this shit got out of my system. I just had to bear with it that long and I'd be done. I wasn't an optimist, but I was sort of reaching, wasn't I? It made sense, though. If not, then what other logical possibility could there have been?

I deactivated my grid and turned the water on, the room filling with a thick, soothing cloud of steam in seconds. The water itself did miracles for my tension. As I stood underneath the spray, I thought back to what Rikku had said about why I'd sought out drink right after opening up to her, even just that little bit. She was getting whimsical with her theories at large, but that didn't change the sad part: In a way she'd been right. I ran into that bar because it was close and I wanted to escape the storm, but that didn't change the fact that some part of me had still been working out the day's little incident. Or it's resolution, at least. A little something to help me feel better had seemed fine at the time. Still did.

I closed my eyes, submerging my head directly under the stream and focusing intently on the heat spreading through my skull and down my back. The water trickling across my skin, washing away the cold I'd carried in with me. Yevon, it felt good. Cleared my head and purged my body, which was exactly what I needed. I didn't realize how long I'd been until a soft beep sounded. My eyes flashed up to a screen beside the shower head. What with us being on an airship, all onboard water had to be filtered for reuse and they didn't want to overrun the machina. A malfunction could be costly, or utterly disastrous. I still thought a fucking _timer_ was a little barbaric, but I wasn't about to make a fuss, so I finished up and shut it off myself.

What grabbed my attention when I stepped back into the cabin proper was the vase sat atop my dresser. I laid my sphere grid down next to it, eyes jumping from flower to flower, taking in each unique form. All cluttered together and clashing terribly, but the jumble ultimately worked. A bit like Rikku, actually. I wasn't sure why that comparison came to mind, but it was true. She was such a mess, herself. Yet she managed to be something cohesive, even if not entirely uniform. That was when I realized I couldn't hear anybody else in the room with me. I looked around the balcony, then down at the lower floor, but it seemed they had left for another part of the ship. Maybe the bridge, to watch the rain. That was a good vantage point, after all.

Well, I thought, at least I was finally alone. Odd how that left an empty feeling, too. Normally I preferred being by myself. I stood there, leaning against the railing and staring pensively at the door with my hair hanging down around my face. Earlier in the day I'd noted how the unnatural silence had gotten to me just because it was a sign I'd screwed up. Maybe it was a lingering trace of that guilt, which is what I assumed it was. I didn't feel at fault often, so I couldn't say for sure that's what it had been. Or what it was at the moment. It was just.. strange. I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I didn't know it. If knowledge is power, then I was weakened. That made it much worse.

I was aggravating myself, again. Tugging at my own strings and blowing everything out of proportion. I just had to stop thinking. I wasn't focusing on anything in particular, so my brain was making shit up to keep me occupied. In that vein, I decided the best thing to do was shut it off for a while. Good time to, what with everyone else gone. So, I went to sleep. In retrospect, I can't be sure if that only exacerbated my problems or helped me along.

I dreamed, again.


End file.
